Depression.. My Story

Hello Beautiful People
and welcome to my blog.

In order for you to get to know me, I believe this is one of the first subjects I need to talk about and I hope you will forgive the long post.

Yep I'll say it out loud..
I suffer from depression..

Depression for me, is like a lake. A black black lake, deepest in the center. As my life flows from one day to the next, I stand around this lake.
On good days I’m happily dancing around the lake never going near the water. When I have bad days, it feels like I have taken a step into the lake. At the ‘height’ of my depression, I was standing in the center and the water rising. I was drowning. I literally felt like I was drowning. I could feel the water starting to cover my face, my mouth, my nose and all I could do was let it.. Lucky enough I realized what was going on and got help.

Monday 17th oct 2011 is a date I will never forget. It was the day I asked for help and the day I saved my life. I was with my baby at a check up with our nurse and I just blurted it out. I said I needed help with depression. She booked me into the doctor the following Friday with strict ‘orders’ to call her if I needed it in the days in between. It took all my courage to actually go to the doctor that Friday, but I somehow managed. I never told the nurse or the doctor how sick I was, I admitted that I had started thinking that the kids would be better off without me, but I never told them that I full out was considering suicide. I was!!
That Friday just happened to be my birthday, and years later, I can honestly say, its the best present I've ever given myself.

I won't bore you with why I got depression, there were many factors and many reasons and people involved but bottom line is that I hid from everyone how I felt. I didn’t speak up and stand up for myself when I should have, and being a ‘single’ mum with 3 kids (my hubby works away from home), one a new baby, I was overwhelmed, stressed and lonely. I need to mention that we live in the rural Ireland as my husband is Irish. I am Danish so I don’t have any of my own family around.

Asking for help was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I was lucky. Help was offered the minute I asked. Many, even to this day, says they can't believe I have depression. Simply cause I hide it. I smile when I see people, always try to be there for others, help when I can. But my tears are mine and mine only. My husband and my closest family now knows the signs though, and they will force me to talk and to let them in. But I don’t do it willingly nor easily.

Now, I know many will ask me.. HOW did you get better? HOW can you now sit and openly talk about this when you say you still suffer..

Let me explain..

I PERSONALLY believe that once depression has set in, it never leaves you.. Never. My mental health will ALWAYS be an issue for me. But no, I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. Most days I turn my back on the lake and go on with my very blessed life. BUT I have times when I’m right back at that lake, at times my feet are back in the water and I still get times when I’m treading water. But I have learnt how to deal with it. Bad days are fewer and far between.

Right, how did I get better.. First of all I asked for help.. And was lucky to be given it imidiately. Second, I embraced the help..
I am neither for nor against medication for depression. I believe its a personal choice that only oneself can make. I personally chose not to take medication, simply because I'm alone most of the time with my children. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my body or my mind. So instead I was offered to speak to a psychiatric nurse who would come and visit me at my house. The poor man didn’t know what hit him cause on his first visit I spoke for 2 hours straight. I laughed, I cried. I just spilled it all. I don't think most of it made sense to him nor did he take any notes. He just let me talk.

On his second visit he gave me some tools to work with.

• Writing a diary.
• TALK
• Eating healthy.
• Fresh air.
• Be kind TO YOURSELF. 
• Exersise
  
  In the mist of my depression all the above seemed exhausing.. I didn't have the time to sort healthy food, just had 3 kids to feed. Getting out getting fresh air.. Forget it, the amount of work getting a baby packed up and out.. exhausting.. Writing?? I had nothing to write.. And exersise?? Well I have a foot that causes me a lot of pain and never mind having the energy...
  
  Can you hear it?? All my EXCUSES!!
  And that is where the embracing of the help comes in..
  
  I felt overwhelmed enough without the nurse giving me "homework" and as soon as he mentioned it I bristled. BUT once I listened it clicked. He wasn't telling me TO DO it, he was giving me the tools to get better.
  
  None of the tools he gave me were easy fix tools. I have had to take each step, one day at the time and I still to this day work on improving myself.
   It has taken me years to get to a good place and to impliment many of the "homework" assignments and I still have loads to work on.
  
  The first step for me was to tell my husband how sick I was. We talked, cried, laughed and promised each other to learn how to work together better. We made changes to our homelife and our rutines and even now, always take 1 evening during the week where we have a long chat with no kids involved.
  
  The biggest breakthrough for me was to be honest. As I slowly started to open up about having depression, others came "crawling out of the woodwork" and I was surprised to see that I am far from alone with this problem. Others started to tell their stories, I got messages on facebook, I got letters, emails and even a phone call. All just people, who like me, just wanted to feel less alone.

I started exersising, joining a local walking club. And when the club stopped, I kept walking on my own. I now go to the gym 2-3 times a week and I took the biggest and bestest step ever, when I joined my children, nearly 2 years ago, on the jujitsu mat. It was the hardest thing EVER to pluck up the courage and join the club but I have found an exersise I would gladly do every day of the week.
I still have a problem with my foot, as well as weak wrists and a dodgy knee but hey, I love it and its more important to me then the pain in my foot.


I worked on improving our diet. I hate cooking with a vengance so the food is my hardest point to work on, it's still a struggle but I do it for my kids. I'm a sugar addict and yep several stone overweight but that is a story for another post.

I also started to write.. I honestly think that if anyone read what is in my notebook they would think I'm starkers.. I don't think it would make any sense to anyone and I never realy write names in it so if it's about someone, no one would ever know who it was lol.. But it HELPS.. I spill the beans, curse and swear.. and then I move on..

What I'm trying to say is, there is NO easy fix for depression. None what so ever.. I'm sorry.. You need to find what works for you. You have to find your courage to take your life back. Maybe a spell of medication can lift your clouds and help you get out of that lake. Maybe, like me, talking is what keeps the blues away. Maybe exersise, which is my main thing now to keep myself above waters, is the one. I do believe it is a work in progress and a journey learning how to look after ourselves to be the best we can be.. To ourselves but also to others..

A couple of quotes that I love and now live by:

• If you don't look after yourself, you can't look after others.

• If its important, you'll find a way,
  If not, you'll find an excuse

 I love both and apply both to everything I do in my life. Give them a try. Check them in situations where you find yourself resisting or not being happy about the situation. If you find yourself making excuses, then maybe its because you really don't want too, and need to say No. And sometimes saying no, is what's needed to look after ourselves..

Right.. Ive rambled enough.. this is a subject very close to my heart. Not only because of my own situation, but also because so many suffer in silence. And we need to change that.

And there is NO shame in not being ok, and NO shame in speaking up about it.
Many will think I shouldn't tell this story, that its a private matter and should be kept "in the family", but I don't agree. All it takes is for 1 person to find their courage and speak up. I found mine, and if I can help just 1 person in this world by telling my story, then its worth it

It is ok not to be ok

Please if you know anyone who is suffering from depression, or even someone who seems to keep to themselves a lot, extend the hand of friendship.

Make the effort to say hello at the school gate, the bus stop, the hallway etc. A 20 sec chat about "wind and weather" I can't tell you the difference it can make to someones day. (And it will cost you nothing)
Suggest meeting someone for a cuppa, or going for a walk together. (please don't suggest meeting with someone if your not gonna follow through, it leaves the person feeling even more down and unworthy and they will start to question themselves and their worth even more)
Say hello to the elderly neighbours when you meet them, even if you don't know them. Say hello to the person behind the till in the shop you go to.. And SMILE.. A smile is the easiest way to make anyone feel valued, even if you never exchange a word.

Oh and one more thing... this is the lecture part ;-)

Please don't ever tell anyone who is feeling low to just "get over it" or "what have you got to be depressed about" or "Just look how blessed you are"..


I have no doubt that most who say something like that, mean it from a good heart and a good place, and I'm not one to take things like that personal, but what you must remember is.. No one ever CHOOSE to be depressed.
Yes I am VERY blessed, I truly have no logical reason to be depressed.. I have the best husband in the world, I have both my own and my husbands family supporting me. My children are doing well and are well behaved.. And I have some great friends..  But ya know what?? One can not simply get over it, and no matter how blessed one is, it dosen't stop anyone from feeling blue.
We already know that we are blessed and trust me, we feel horrible for feeling this way, but we can't help it..

Be as kind to others as you wish for others to be to you and your family.

Im adding a few links below to helplines in IRELAND

Your Mental Health
Pieta House
Samaritans

Please note that this is MY personal story. Everyone deals with depression differently. I have no qualifications nor expertise in this area bar my own experiences.
All advise in this post is based on my experienses and I do suggest consulting a doctor if you believe you have depression or other mental heath issues.

Sending much love to everyone and thank you if you made it till the end of my post.
Lots of love.